Quantum Basketball

Quantum basketball, colloquially referred to as Q or QB, is a sport played in the Astral Realm. It started as a casual game, brought to the astral realm by an unknown visitor coming from Earth in Universe One, but was eventually adapted into a professional sport. The official association for all Quantum Basketball teams is the Multiuniversal Quantum Basketball League (MQBL).

The official logo of the MQBL

Gameplay

The game is played on a 5-dimensional field, 0.0000000005 to 50 lightyears in length between two teams who attempt to score as many balls in the basket(s) at either end of the field. Because of the 5-dimensional nature of quantum basketball, as well as the interference of quantum mechanics and highly variable stadium and team formations, the game can be very difficult for lower-dimensional beings to understand or participate in. Nonetheless, the game has a cult following amongst lower-level beings. Whether or not they actually understand the game or are just pretending to have gigabrain IQ's is not clear to this day.

Phenomena and Fundamental Characteristics

Quantum Basketball is often subject to physical phenomena and is therefore often used as a teaching method for basic kindergarten education in the astral realm. Typical occurences during QB games include:

Schrödinger's Hoop: 3rd hoop is sometimes there but it also isn't and you players will not be able to know until they have attempted to shoot and either do or do not score a goal.
Quantum tunneling: Basketball can pass through players and the floor, coming back out in the ceiling or your ass.
Superposition: The ball can be in multiple places at once.
Manifold: The floor becomes a 10-dimensional manifold. Good luck.
Black hole/wormhole: When the ball is thrown into the hoop, sometimes the hoop can swallow the ball and everyone goes home. Alternatively, the ball may be spit out of the other hoop.
Entanglement: At random points in the game, players can become entangled with other matter; it can be anything, from other players, to members of the audience, to someone four million lightyears away. When entangled, a player’s movements will match exactly to what they’re entangled with
Redirection of Time: Time can move forwards and backwards at any point during the game. When time is moved backwards and something occurs differently than when it did at the present, a diverging universe is created in which the game continues to be played alongside the original game in the original universe; any universes created will also be moderated in the original universe. Confused? Me too. Here's an example: A game is being played between team A and team B. Time is moving forwards and team A has scored 0 goals. Time begins to move backwards and team A scores a goal. The rest of the game in which team A has scored a goal now takes place in an alternate universe, while the original game in which team A had scored no goals also continues the way it was before the alternate game universe was created. Both the original game and the alternate game will be moderated by the commentators of the original game. This may go on for many iterations depending on how much time travel is involved. So far the record for the most alternate games is 203.2 during a game between the Pangea Dinosaurs and the Caesar Salads.

In addition to these and other physical phenomena, there are certain traditions and extra mechanics to the game that should be listed, such as:

Jazz band: A jazz band plays in the middle of the court during all games. Players lose points if they hit a musician with the ball and when there is a key change in the music, teams switch sides. The band will play a hymn to the jazz gods at the start of each game. If the first note of what the band plays is a concert C, or if whatever chord played first contains one, then the home team and the away will switch. If the band wants to, it can override any decision made by the ref with a 2/3rds majority vote. The voting takes place via an unknown process. When a player dies, the band will play a memorial piece for that player. When a song is played, depending on the key of the song, a certain quantum effect will take place
It's toaster time! Half time involves a toast-eating party where cheerleaders present the players with a variety of jams and the players have a good time sampling jams and toast from around the astral realm.

Rules

The ball in Quantum Basketball is not a ball, but a quongus. Deal with it.
The quongus is a sentient 4th dimensional being that can leave the match at any point.
The quongus may be thrown in any direction, combination of direction, lack of direction, or unobserved direction with no, some, or all hands.
The quongus may be batted in any direction with one or both hands (never with 50 Caliber shotgun or low-orbit ion cannon).
A player cannot run with the quongus, the player must throw it from the spot(s) or lack thereof on which they catch it, allowance to be made for a player who catches the quongus when moving (or not) at a good speed.
The quongus must be held in or between the body parts
No shouldering, holding, pushing, tripping, exorcizing, ionic difibrulizing, particle accelerating, chakra drainage, potty words, insults against my mommy, or striking in any way the person of an opponent shall be allowed. The first infringement of this rule by any person shall count as a foul; the second shall disqualify them until the next goal is made or, if there was evident intent to injure the person, for the whole of the game. No substitute allowed unless the judges deemed it a sick move. The third infringement of this rule shall result in the breakage of kneecaps and a banishment to the Shadow Dimension.*
A foul is striking at the quongus with the dongus, violation of rules 3 and 4, and such described in rule 5.
A sick move is anything that's cool as fuck.
If any side makes three consecutive fouls, it shall count a goal for the opponents (consecutive means without the opponents in the meantime making a foul).
A goal shall be made when the quongus is moved from the grounds into the basket** and stays there (without falling), providing those defending the goal do not influence the goal. If the quongus rests (or doesn’t rest) on the edge, and the opponent alters the basket, it shall count as a goal.
When the quongus goes out of bounds it shall be moved into the field and played by the first person who wants it really bad. In case of dispute the umpire shall yeet it out of existence, tell the players to shut the fuck up, and they must then sit criscross applesauce until the quongus decides to return. The thrower is allowed five seconds, if he holds it longer, it shall go to the opponent. If any side persists in delaying the game, the umpire shall absolutely wreck their shit physically, emotionally, and financially (don't fuck with the umpire).
The umpire shall be the judge of the players and shall note the fouls, and notify the referee when three consecutive fouls have been made. They shall have power to disqualify people according to Rule 5. They’re also, according to Rule 34, a fucking god (don't ask).
The referee shall be judge of the quongu and shall decide when the quongus is in play, in bounds, to which side it belongs, and shall keep the time (or lack thereof). They shall decide when a goal has been made and keep account of the goals with any other duties that are usually performed by a referee.
The time shall be two fifteen ____ halves, with five ____ rest between.
The side making the most goals in that time is declared the winner. In case of a drew game may, by agreement of the captain, be continued until another goal is made. Or the game can go for however long the judges want if they’re feeling it.
It is illegal to determine the momentum and position of any player’s electrons (game must follow 3rd dimensional quantum limits)

34. If it exists, there's a quantum basketball team for it. And porn ;).

Teams

Many teams exist within the MQBL, as well as countless unofficial, minor league, pickup, after-school, and driveway quantum basketball teams. Below is a list of the teams recognized by the QBL at the time of writing this, as well as their home stadium. (Additional information is provided where needed)

The Underwater Basket Weavers
REDACTED
The Ghost Town Ghouls
The Capitalist Pigs
The Philadelphia Cheesesteaks
The Mango Hedgehogs - NOTE: Due to the fluctuating political status of the Republic of the Mangos, this team is often temporarily removed from the MQBL. If the Republic of the Mangos is currently disbanded when a game is scheduled at its stadium, time travel will sometimes be employed to bring the game to a time when the stadium did still exist.
Kansas City Thongs
New York Pork
Atlanta Noodles
The Caesar Salads
The Acension Island Sex Dolls - NOTE: The team consists entirely of sex dolls produced at Acension Island. Despite their inanimateness, they are often very difficult opponents.
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North Sentinel Island Business Women - NOTE: This team consists of some of the most hard working businesswomen in North Sentinel Island
The Vatican City - NOTE: The team and stadium is the entire vatican city which is robotically controlled by the Pope.
Santorini Parkourists
Bear Territory Humans
Facebook Soccer Moms
Pangea Dinosaurs
Celery Town Vegetables